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Today was a...how shall i place it? A time of awakening... Went for playhouse at KE7 Hall..*sMILe* twiddled with the grand piano(ah...) ...went back to the med soc room (finally cleared the mess up with jen ming and peeps)..and then after a very difficult time of debating (about to fall asleep on my feet i was...heh and the day before almost fell off the flight of stairs in my sleepiness, scraped an arm to stop meself..plus bumping my knee everywhere...), decided to attend pnp in church...spent a fortune on 2 new cds- Hillsong's He Reigns & greatest praise songs of the church (hehe that's cause they had Here I am, Lord) And I'm glad I went for PNP... As i sat down after YM's philotheos led everyone in worship, Adriel took the stage..and i guess, what he shared, was a moment of refreshing...a time of refreshing and reassurance from the Lord..(and i suppose for many other peeps as well, for many were those who tried to dab at their eyes with dignity when Madeleine's story was shared) And astonishingly, an answer to the single question I've been turning to and fro in my mind the past 3 months.. Thank You, my Father.. I guess I have a fear (alright, many fears) . And these fears cloud over the one desperate fear I have- that is, to stop looking at God and start turning inward: plain hardness and selfishness. This thought scares me ever so much...that I start being some thick skinned, hankering person after personal glory who fails to include or see God. "and they will see the light...but they will choose the darkness.." Never do I ever want to fall in that abyss... But sometimes I guess it's so easy to be absorbed in the mire of self and to to simply look at my own needs...and so hard to make You my centre.. I don't want I don't want I don't want I don't want... So hence, today, I made up my mind to return to You Father...after listening to Madeleine's story, after listening to what You had to say to me.. "Silly girl, need you take everything into your own hands? That's why you fail, that's why you tire..and that's why you are discouraged and upset and drained. And that's why you run..you run away from My promise, My love and all I have to give you, even if the plans I have for you are good plans. Do you love me? If you do, then all you have to do is lean on Me and let me be your guide. Without Me, you can do nothing..Do you see the tree by the road? It gets pruned every season but still it flourishes, branches lush and flowering...what more will I do for you? I will sustain you and guard you and your paths, as long as you remain in me..and I will be faithful. " I suppose..I have been running away.. cause You revealed Your heart to me so many a time, and instead of treating it like a privilege and treasure..it overwhelmed me Father. The love You had, the sorrow and the yearning You had for Your people..the yearning to fill Your people who were empty, and the calling You had for Your children to reach out..Father, it overwhelmed and choked me from within Father..there was so much You were calling out to Your people...and Your Spirit within me responded to every single heartbeat of Yours. The burden..the passion..the heart..broke me up from within. And instead of replying and affirming in faith..I treated Your cry from the depths of Your heart with contempt and refused to take on this heavy and burdensome load..I doubted what You could do in me, when You have indeed done more than miracles in this lowly soul..loving me with a unique love...I doubted the gifts and Your working in me..I feared the trial.. And me, like Jonah, ran. Father, how I must have broken Your heart. How, so many a time have You chosen to reveal Your passion to me and the coward I am, one of little faith hath rejected it.. Father how You must despair in the way I turned..How You despair and yet still hope I'll remember Your call.. I feel so unworthy Father. So unworthy of being in You, of sharing that heartbeat of Yours. Of seeing the world as You see it..of loving and of being loved..of being where You have placed me. Yet the only way I can..(*apart from being a sore loser heh) is to turn back to You, and to respond the way You want me to..cause..too long a time from Your presence makes me feel lost, grappling, and everything falling wrongly, said wrongly and being just screwed up. Heh i feel like a complete ding dong. Never felt more upset on the bus than today. Never felt the urge to want to cry on the way out of church today. And coupled with the urge to kneel down and pray before You...the urge to just jump and declare how much I wanna run to You, just to be where You are Lord, now and forever... ..." Here I am..here I am..until my calling is fulfilled... Here I am.." Use me as You will Father... and I will wait on You! Share Your heart with me Father, and I will be Your servant.
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