 |
 |
 |
|
Anyhows! I feel better after venting...sorry if that seemed very unpleasant...I really thought it was the least of my wrath... Yup! Hee went down to bishan yesterday to help out at the Tampines Home...waited outside the swimming complex at 9:10am and tried not to look like some potential terrorist checking out the area...when they arrived. (!!-_-) I must say i expected more peeps than 4...but ah well! So we went! Hee firstly I helped them change out of their clothes...and dilly dallied around as the fillipino workers applied sunblock lotion on themselves (eve nthough we spent only 45 min in the water) by the tube..and then we entered the baby pool... Did some exercise...i.e. walking exercise..and two of them really feared going into the pool, not to mention float...haiz...was at a loss when the guy i chose to help out with kept shivering and calling out when i showed him he could float. Even when we strapped floats on him...and he looked so helpless...until i had to lift his back up to reassure him.. And after that we helped to bathe them..I chose to follow the oldest lady of 60 plus..(i mean, i did feel bad enough helping with her) and helped to wash her hair and scrub her body..hee she was a dear thing..chuckling at times.and apparently the rest of the workers loved her too :) Yup! So that's about my first experience...will be there again in a fortnight, i hope, better prepared... And then i went home after buying french and malay language kits (where Chris's darling suddenly smsed me and made me laugh...so i'm called monstasista eh...and he actually had the nerve to tell her i acted cute >_<...)as well as checking out this ps2 game i've been searching for since primary 5, did nothing but drew, and slept. (So tired was i but reluctant to sleep) Heh... Oh yesh! Not after reading Frances Hodgson Burnett's A little princes and crying like nobody's business. :) Am really inspired by her courage, I am. Read it peeps! Haha i assure you it's as good as her other book, "The secret garden" (reliving my childhood, i am) That's all! (Hee have been typing most of my entries in another group blog... "FOBS. FOBS FOBIANS" on the left hand side bar if you can see it...yup! that's why i've been too tired to continue this :)) *gRInz* cya! (a grin a day keeps the sorrows at bay! ta da! *bEAMs*)
Haiz...i'm flying into an internal rage..and that's bad. Cause the last time I showed major, major, major contempt for authority and almost ready to come to blows with someone twice my size and 3 times my age then (to not mention 10 times above me in authority)...it was in Sec 2...and that was when Miss Ng had to literally drag me out before I said anything worse. Well, i didn't care if my future in that place was ruined, given the injustice. Although, i don't think that particular image of authority did understand the phrases which i had slotted in to give insult to their brilliant organisation. And neither did she remember i guess, cause 2 years after that they awarded me the award, with her sitting in as the round one panel of judges. Ah well! But here i am again, showing contempt for a principal who is superficial, senseless and cruel. I guess she portrays the reality of society doesn't she? Cold and cruel, and hard up for praise instead of the well being of the older teachers, not to mention respect. Instead of shoving down her books of theories of childhood down teachers' throats (which do happen to be suffocating enough with her unreasonable requests that are dense) what with montessori and crap, she needs but one: on leadership. Or just a lesson on humanity. How to love and care for peeps her age. Cause one day, (and not very soon), you are going to be like those you didn't respect. Old. And i don't know if you'd like to be treated that way. Perhaps MOE would now see a deeper level to why teachers are simply dropping out like dead flies. Stop blaming the teachers and look at the organisation. Or rather, as in her own words when i replace the term students with teachers... "How can teachers expect to excel when the environment is terrible?" And I hope she realises the truth in what she said , "our teachers look happy." Stop looking pleased with yourself and note the words muttered out of the horse's mouth. LOOK. Not "feel". Or "are". After being in an environment and observing how things go...especially what is inside the teachers' hearts and minds.. For a newbie like me. Please feel ashamed of your inability to see what I can see. And learn what it means to set an example if you're gonna criticise. I quote my Primary 5 teacher...9 years later, as I start to respect her rare moments of wisdom: "Empty vessels make the most noise."
Hee heya one and all! *gRINz* haven't been up year for yonks! Haha how about me? Hm...let's make a list of my activities... 1) Have been teaching and teaching at Princess Elizabeth...given the most difficult classes...but when I had to pass the duties on a few weeks ago..I did feel a bit...hmm..attached...so yup! Taught music, math, science, art (cloc), health ed..even pe and english...you name it... 2) Started giving tuition at YWCA on tuesday nights with MHI...somehow..i do feel relaxed when I teach my tutee (!!-_-) a vast difference from my day job i suppose... 3) Youth Ministry!!! My dear FOBS...embroiled in very interesting and sometimes heartaching issues...learning sign language together...and of course! TalkingGod.com meets! *gRINz* spiritual food!!! 4)Immersing myself in cheap discounted korean, taiwanese and jap dramas (hmm...you can borrow them from me if you want...here's a list : At the dolphin bay, Good luck!, Stairway to Heaven, My 19 year old sister in law...erm a kwon sang woo drama called Into the sun...) haha yup! And catching repeats of dramas on teevee..as well as enjoying the script of chase... 5)listening and purchasing loads of cds...the bulk of which are worship cds...then Il divo...and a leo ku cd..(haiz...i really need a dvd player)...and listening to ennio morricone's brilliant orchestral masterpieces 6)haha going crazy with my dad on the flute (since the english flute's too ex...we're just gonna try the chinese one)... so now the two of us both have one...and dang, mine sounds so low it's almost like a recorder!!! (!!-_-) 7)Guitar!! Piano!!! and trying to do sth about my violin which detunes at the rate of once every 5 minutes.. 8)Ooooh...and trying to pick up korean...haiz...this is a killer...but since i've spent 70 plus bucks on the kit...*wEEPs* 9) Will soon be killing myself with french and malay (Da Jie's plans to go touring...she and her bargains..) 10)Ahh...helping out at Tampines Home opposite Macritchie...as a volunteer therapist...so will be going down for hydrotherapy with them this friday...nice! :) haha that's all..of course, and God! Updates!!!! :)
The Journey So my story begins in JC2 (2 SO3J), 2003, where my results and grades were highly unpromising. A series of perfectly hideous grades would decorate my progress (in my case, regress) report with my kind civics tutor being highly encouraging and managing to squeeze elements of hope where it seemed almost as futile as the attempt to wring water out of a perfectly dry towel. "Distracted" , "Underperforming" ..would be the pretty little adjectives my parents would certainly like to describe me every single moment I had to mercilessly shove the offending slip under their noses. (Of course, the reason later emphasized was due to the blasted Grave's Disease I had) With so "promising" a JC2 history... it must have come as no surprise when I got back my first "A" level results slip with highly dismal grades. To speak the truth, I must have been at the very bottom of the top 5 junior colleges in Singapore. But it was a completely different matter to my parents, who had expected something better from me. So night after night, day after day life seemed like hell. My mother would come up to me to speak of how they had lost sleep the night before over my case...and how much suffering I brought them. Of course, as the stubborn heroine I always liked to be...everything on my face would freeze, listening to the accusations that certainly rendered me "unfilial" (although it wasn't explicitly said) and trying to ignore the dam behind my eyes that was about to crack if I didn't release the catch..Not to mention trying to numb myself and to tell myself consistently, silently in my head that "You'll be alright" when the facts were laid nicely in front of me: my heart was aching like it had run 1000 km and breaking, the knowledge of the pain I had actually given my parents was driving me to the edge of insanity...and yeah. My world was crashing down all over me. It may jolly well have been the end of the world. This carried on for eons until one day, as the routine with my mother started again...I silently took a book..a pen..went into the room where my borther was fast asleep, sat at his table and began to write like I've so often done...pouring everything out...all the pain all the frustration...and yeah, my insanity to the One Person I knew must be watching all of this...and perhaps saying I deserved it. I didn't care anymore about my resolve to share not only my pain with Him..(that book must have been salty with all the tear washing over the years..a steady competitor against the Dead Sea for the Salt Retention Award) And i wrote...non-stop... Here's what I wrote...and don't laugh at this...I guess my analogies must have been way off and seemingly, it now seems a trifle lame..but here it goes... Crouching in a corner Knees hugged, head bent as a lifeless flower. No ray of light. A desert full of fright. Like a startled deer prancing to and fro.. Her predator in the darkness on the go. Luring her into its trap... She follows its lead into its teeth-baring snare. Who will pull her back? Who will shower her care? The withered flower, without any love, Now shrinks in the tempest that brews and bursts Drowning her in the endless abyss With only one but simpel wish: To be gone forever, A worry naught, no hope to savour. But to rest, away from this space, So she may see no hurting face- And hear no voice To curse her toils. My heart is bleeding Walls all around me No way to break through. Crawling in the darkness My eyes are blinded, oh so blinded to the truth. Where is my hope? Where is the thirst-quenching love? Where is the care? Where all around me Words like swords are piercing Glares liek arrows are darting Through my empty and lifeless soul Into all I am Shattering what I used to be The rain is falling. The clouds have gathered. But there is no rainbow. There is no sunshine. And somewhere along the line...something in me changed...as I poured it all out..somehow, I started to be filled with something...and then what I wrote next surprised me with the peace and hope that it brought.. (In the darkness I close my eyes And I hear a Voice, calling me, lifting me high Into Your embrace, into the secret place Until I hear it again, I know Lord, I'll never be satisfied til I hear Your loving Voice once more. And You open the door...) Yet O Lord I lift my eyes Towards the heavens, lacking the bone chilling ice The warmth of Your love and hope Pulls me in with the strongest rope O that You may bless me so, Giving me courage and strength, So that You may set me forth on Your land. To glorify Your Name and extend Your territory Where the snake crawls ever so sly on its belly. Let me strike its head and praise Your Name Let me heal and open pathways; By Your will, a beacon in the darkness By Your favour, shine with Your godliness So that all who see will know You and praise Your Name on high! Keep me close to You, without any fear.. In the knowledge that Your coming is near.. Fill me now, with Your Spirit Pour it out like the searing heat. And as i study and learn To You I reach, Confidence in You, faith not pride That all victory are not by might But by Yours alone, To You be the glory! My one and only God. For You shelter me with Your wide-stretched wing You cast Your love on me liek a beam, O Jehovah Jireh, Immanuel, Blessed be Your Name Forever and ever! As I run the race, so I pray ceaselessly, In Jesus Name alone, Amen. With a smile I take my first step Knowing that You are near, (no, here!) There...indeed, There's nothing to dear! 6:30 am, 17th April 2004 How i may laugh at this which i wrote when i felt the most down... But He didn't treat it as a joke. After that, a series of pleas by my parents to the appropriate authority...I finally went back to repeat a year. It was as if I was thrown into unfamiliar ground...a strange territory that I had never stepped on..but somehow..as I stepped in with Chris..that case of nerves subsided a bit as my younger brother reassured me...and each morning as I crept along the RJ corridors and I muttered a prayer that I wouldn't be recognised...that I remain a shadow against the background...by His grace...I really did appear concealed...peeps i knew who would recognise me never realised I was in their midst...and it continued until He knew I was ready...before He slowly brought me in... I'm thankful, I'm thankful for His grace...placing me in the best and most friendly class I could ever hope to be...with warm classmates..and giving me a set of teachers who were more than willing to give me a smile and to encourage me as they settled me in..I'm thankful for the friends He had already given me...friends from SO3J...sanjiemei..from odac..my little family..from church..Dr Sin..friends I had never met before but encouraged me at the lowest points(yup, that's you :))..and teachers...and of course, the family i could never hope to exchange for another..the kindness and love that He showed me was ever present even though i tried to hide and run away via my closest surroundings and the people around me... And then giving me another family: FOB in YM...a group that now He's given me so much...gives me so much more ability to shepherd these that He treasure, as surely as He did and does for me..and that I do because I love Him..and because He first loved me... And giving me the ultimate birthday present last september...when He filled me with His love...the amazing miracles on the day I took my chem mock exam..when He rescued me countless times as I felt myself in danger of falling...and teaching me what it means to be down on my knees... Cause the moment I wrote the poem..the minute I had written that...a change had happened...a change that made that 7 months in my repeat year greatly different from the 24 months I had in RJ before. It was the knowledge that I was finally running, running with my hand slotted firmly in His. And that I had much to be fearless of. The very day I had to take my results slip...I had the jitters as usual..Shen Lynn reassured me back with a verse I had always given her when she doubted Him..Proverbs 3:5...Jan darling, Joanne, Michael, Gang, Eric Da Jie...everyone smsed or called to reassure me even the night before...and before Jie left for the hospital that day, she, on the upper deck of her bed as I stood stoning at the verses I wrote on my wall to reassure myself before I left to teach at PEPS, laid her hands on me( freaking me out definitely, since it was so sudden) to pray for me..and I cried..cried for what, I'm not sure either...but all that flashed through my mind was the fear that I would let my parents down again...and the thought that I might let them down..and the poem I wrote. Would i really stand here today and be able to declare His glory? That day in school...I had no energy to teach...I felt unable to control the discipline of the cheeky 6J and 4A bunch..friends(as well as my mother's) in school came to encourage and lighten up the dark atmosphere that seemed to place me in a black environment wherever I walked... And then school was over... In order to delay the arrival at RJ..In order to calm the panic that recalled the nightmare that followed less than a year before..I walked from school to bukit batok mrt...deciding against going home first.. Bad choice. At 1:30 pm with the merciless sun blasting down on a pathetic girl who can't walk gracefully and comfortably in heels to safe her life, plus a skirt...terrible decision. But. Anything to delay the nightmare... As i walked along the pavement..with the station looming ahead and the heat creating streams of perspiration..of course, my anxiety causing me to almost break down in the middle of the street..i decided to mouth a prayer...and elacking in faith at that instant...pleaded..."Oh, that if I were to do okay...give me a breeze Lord." At that moment in time, the moment that silent plea ended, a breeze that could only be seen rustling the leaves atop but not felt increased in all intensity until I felt it billowing all about me...then after 5 seconds, it died down. Heh...and to be expected...I wasn't convinced...so I bought an oreo packet (peanut-chocolate filling) and started to binge...delaying my entry into the station which would be sure to speed me towards rjc..until Chris called me to reassure me again...and I decided: It's do or die... I guess the journey from bukit batok to bishan never seemed so painful (not even on my way for the President Guide thingy)..so fast and slow at the same time...but soon i reached...and repeated the slow walk to RJC...walking past peeps who were on their way to celebrate due to their perfect scores..or seemingly perfect score... Just then I decided to pray the same request..and You answered again, even though I guess You must be exasperated at my lack of faith after what You've brought me through the past year..and this time, that particular breeze lasted quite awhile... So i stepped into RJ to meet Steph darling...and you know what happened after that... So this, is a story where the main character ain't me. The main character ain't my 'A's. The Main character is the Lord our God. The Creator and Provider...and Comforter... And you know something? When you've decided to give it all into his hands and declare it His...to surrender everything you've got to Someone you know will do a better job than yourself (which He obviously did )...there is a difference. A huge difference... So now starts a new hurdle...a hurdle that looms even higher than I could ever dream of. A hurdle where the odds are positively against me... But with this, I do hope and plan to depend on Him. Cause He knows better. And I know that there's no One else I would rather leave my future in the hands of with. And I leave it, full of gratitude in the hands of the One I've found to surely exist and surely cares for one such as me. How about you? It's been said that God is a circle whose centre is everywhere and circumference, nowhere... How you found Him? Or are you gonna run away for life? You have nothing to lose.
Heya peeps! Have decided to start writing...so much has happened within the space of a few months, so much has led me to think, to be grateful... *sMILEz* yup! thank you all my dears for the consistent encouragement, for praying for one such as me, when i thought i was better off a failure..or lost.. And thank You. Thank You thank You thank You thank You thank You... I could sing on forever, and create ten biliion kinds of tunes to sing Your praises.. But somehow, just somehow they always seem to be insufficient..as if I might explode and shatter, trying to comprehend how an infinite God can fill up and work in the life of one so meager and finite as me. As i applied for university and my mom showed me the huge stack of certs she went to photostat...my eyes simply rested on the green cert that would, i suppose, determine my future. And just looking at what may almost seem to be a figment of my imagination had I not been able to feel and touch it, a strange sense that I would break down and weep for all my life was worth overwhelmed me. Pride, joy? Nah...not even ready to boast of my own effort, as so many would start thinking me to. Friends would testify to you how sure I'd be to get the usual dismal grades last year as I had the jitters 2 weeks before my results came out. And i can tell you how many times I've replayed the blasted 'A' levels in my head, knowing which questions I had read wrongly, answered wrongly, and made my pathetic last minute guess. Or thinking how I couldn't be bothered with Chem or physics or math during the 'A's anymore as the papers were becoming tediously draggy(perhaps I would then attribute it to mercury poisoning as 2 brilliant thermometers shattered underneath me during Chem prac. none of which was my doing.). Believe it or not-this was not my effort. Not intelligence, nor "luck". Or coincidence. Maybe we'd call it the leniency of the markers this year. But for me, that green cert said so much more. Of an undying love and steadfastness that created a miracle. Your miracle, to work in someone like me. I can tell you, that my mouth dropped open as Ms koo handed me my result slip. My first reaction, was not to look at her (seemingly I probably must looked as if I had)..but beyond her out into the clear blue sky. It took me all the strength and energy I had left in me to start dancing and worshipping God in the middle of the school hall where obtaining great scores probably seemed the norm in an institution of...you know what. All i wanted to do was to praise Him. But perhaps you, my dear reader, am lost. So that's where I have to begin with the journey...bittersweet as it may be. And then a revelation of the worst of me as He chose to focus on the best.
|